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wee_k
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Name: Paige
Location: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Birthday: 7/8/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: reading, writing, watching movies, listening to and/or playing music, cooking + baking
Expertise: My areas of expertise are yet to be developed, but I find myself an amateur culinary goddess, as well as a connoiseur of movies and music. I am also intrigued by that of European history, which is as odd as can be.
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Retail
Message: message me
MSN: cheer_bear2085@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/19/2006
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Growing up is never an easy thing. It’s always filled with
distractions and discouragement, ups and downs, and everything in between. But
realise that you are indeed growing up is almost more difficult. Gone is the
carelessness of youth; the ability to bounce back at a moments notice. Instead
of concentrating on being able to go out every night after working for 12 hours
straight, you have to think about being able to wake up and put yourself
together for work, after getting 8-10 hours of sleep, and still feeling
exhausted. Even if your metabolism wasn’t much to look at when you were
younger, it’s slowed down almost completely, and everything you do, be it sit
on the couch for an extra hour or eat that extra brownie for supper affects it.
Youth and adolescence are intertwined with self-doubt,
self-consciousness, a lot of self. Once you hit that stage that’s past
adolescence, suddenly you have to think of things other than yourself. And it’s
not just a personal realisation. It’s the world around us. It’s the media
saying that donating to charities will make you feel better about yourself. It’s
your peers, talking about how they bettered themselves by helping others and
volunteering, as it looks better on a grad school application or a resume. All
the negative self images are still imbedded in your mind, and are expected to
take the back seat while you help others to help yourself… But what happens if
that self doubt just doesn’t let go? What if those negative comments are
constantly nagging in the deepest, darkest corner of your mind, and they just
won’t let go? Sometimes you can push them back for a moment, but they always
resurface. No matter what you do, it’s always in the back there, threatening to
show up and rain on your parade. Each of these moments makes you doubt how far you had come since being considered 'young'. Since you were still in that "growing up" phase. It resides more heavily in your thoughts, making you doubt your actions, reconsider your conversations, think even deeper into each waking moment until you finally burst. Your brain gives up, your heart goes out, and its done.
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| I'm finding it really hard as of late to be consistent in my emotions. It seems like nothing's changing, nothing's evolving. Everything is just staying the same. And it scares me, it concerns me, and its making me miserable. I can only be happy for so long in an oatmeal life.
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| So this weekend marks the first in a very long time of consecutive days
that Tyler and I haven't been in the same place at the same time. He's
in Lloydminster right now, with his chess tournament. He and one of his
instructors set one up, and apparently it was a greater success than
they could have ever dreamed of. Which is fantastic and all, but it
makes me realise just how much I rely on him (Tyler), or of what Tyler
brings to the relationship.
I awoke this morning at 930, having turned off all alarm clocks and
whatnot so I could have pure, unadultered sleep. I passed out probably
around 130-ish, and woke up a few times to either go to the bathroom,
turn the movie off, or pull blankets up a little more securely. This is
the first time since we got the new bed that I have awoken in the
night. Normally I sleep right on through until my bladder threatens to
explode. Upon my awakening, I thought to myself "hmm. I should totally
sleep more" but I just couldn't. If Tyler had been in the bed with me,
I would have probably snuggled right up and fell asleep for awhile
longer (he's the sleeper-inner of this relationship, oddly enough), but
alas, the bed was cold and empty. So I got up.
Having no breakfast food (or at least lacking things to partake in
traditional breakfast foods such as milk for cereal, or bread for
toast), I managed to shove 5 peanut butter cookies down my gullet
without even realising the reprocussions that would occur later. Who
cares? I was by myself. Its like that first day after you move out of
your parents house for the first time. You eat brownies for breakfast
and skip all the other meals in rebellion. So there I am, eating peanut
butter cookies and drinking pepsi at 10am, sitting in front of the
computer, chatting with a friend and basically lollygagging. I then
foray into the living room, where I proceed to rent movies and watch
tv. For the next, like, 8 hours. Yes, I did eat in this time, but
that's beside the point. Oh, it was better than just peanut butter
cookies. Rice for lunch, pasta & meat sauce for dinner.
I've just come to the realisation that maybe... just maybe... I'm
depending on him a little too much. That I'm taking him for granted in
some way. That all this time we spend together could possibly damage
our relationship later in life, when one of us is out more or what have
you.
But I just don't want to change the way things are. And I know, I just
know, that if things were to end between us, it would be tragic. And
I'm not speaking tragic in the way that it would be really sad for us
not to be together. I mean tragic in the way that Romeo & Juliet is
a tragedy. In that I'm not sure how long it would take me to heal.
Its really serious thoughts that I have, especially on my first
long-term relationship. And yes, we speak of getting married and buying
a house and having babies and everything... But I keep thinking that I
might be pushing the future too hard. That I might be putting too much
undue pressure on him, which may further drive him away. I make
non-subtle hints about being engaged, and have straight up told him
that he has until next September to propose. I don't mind being engaged
for a long time, but at this time in my life, I don't want to be dating
forever. Yes, yes. I know. I'm only 22. But I know what I want from
life. I don't want to just start being a mom, or a wife, when I'm 30. I
want to have kids by the time I'm 26. Well, okay. Kid. I want to have
one kid by the time I'm 26. It was nice having a younger mom, because
it was almost like we could connect on things a little easier. Music
that was popular when she was in high school carried over all the way
from my childhood up until now.
I've found myself watching shows on TLC (Say Yes to the Dress),
perusing online for rings and dresses and... I wish my heart wasn't so
full of yearning for this perfect wedding. I wish that I didn't look at
everyone around me who's getting married and sigh a little on the
inside. I wish that I didn't observe Tyler's brother and sister-in-law,
with their little almost-6-month-old daughter and lust so hard for it.
Most of all, I wish Tyler knew just how much I wanted to be with him
forever.
Christ. I sound like a stalker.
That's it, I'm privatising this entry. | | |
| Golly, another blog posting within the same week? Will wonders never cease?!
Only
two more days of work left, and I can't say that I'm sorry to see my
time at Treats end. Its been more of a hardship than working at
Fuddruckers ever was. I mean, at least with Fuddruckers, I was
surrounded by a multitude of people that I got along with extremely
well, or somewhat well, or well enough to go 8.5 hours without
murdering them (save Jimmy). At Treats, there's a total staff of 5.
Ridonculous!
This Friday, I am more than likely getting tattoo
2. I'm not going to say what it is, but I'll get a picture taken of it
so I can post it as soon as its done. Even if I don't get it on Friday,
I'll get it sometime next week. Thanks, Fringe Festival!!
I'm
still somewhat deep in thought about life in general. I've gotten to
the point where I start to wonder what it is I'm doing. I mean, I'm 22
years old, and I have no direct path leading to what I'm going to do
with the rest of my life. I'm tossing jobs around all namby pamby... At
least there is one stable thing in my life, as lame and cliche as that
sounds. But oddly enough, this is the most settled I've been. My
parents have noticed it too, despite the fact that I'll be going onto
job number 4 this year. I think the big thing is that I haven't quit a
job without having another one lined up, which is a big thing that
ticked them off last year. That, and I've been living on my own
(somewhat) for the past year. That's a good indicator that some sort of
growing up is occuring.
I keep thinking about how my life is
in comparison to my mom's. By this time in her life, she had a 3 year
old kid, and wasn't quite married yet. I'm not even sure how long she
and my step-dad were engaged for. But like... wow. Things were totally
different and even more difficult for her, and here I am bitching about
how I don't know if I want to go to school for this or for that. I
guess my problem is that I don't know what the future is holding for
me, and it kind of scares me a bit. I know that Tyler says that he
wants us to get married and have kids and whatnot... but I don't want
to wait around forever for it. After we hit that one year mark, if
something doesn't happen (engagement, not marriage itself), its going
to be time for a serious talk. I don't want to be in a relationship for
years and then have nothing come of it but a consistent state of
dating. I need more to fulfill this void in my life. Something to
complete it. I'm willing to wait to actually get married. I know how
stressful school is going to be for him, and how he wants to wait until
he's done education (two years) for anything to REALLY happen... but I
just want to have that solid proof that things are moving in that
direction.
There's just so much I want to accomplish in this life, and I haven't a clue how to go about it. Le sigh. | | |
| I haven't blogged in awhile, and there's a very good reason for that, I just don't know quite what it is yet. Gimme awhile and I'll come up with something.
I find myself very confused nowadays. About where my life is leading me, and if I like the direction its taking. I've accepted a position working at St. Thomas More College on the U of S campus. This job will mean great things for me. More money, benefits, pension, the whole nine yards. It will make my life a lot more simple, and easier to obtain my goals. I just have no idea what I'm going to do in the future. Do I want to work in the food industry forever? I like to think so. But in order to open up my own shoppe or anything along those lines, I need some sort of an education. Does that mean I need a BComm? Or just a degree from Kelsey/Siast in Restaurant & Bar Management? I have no idea. Either way, both things cost money. One more than others. One will open a plethora of doors, the other will open very specific. And then somewhere in the back of my head is that little voice going "hey! Professor, remember?" Urgh.
I've finally come to terms with the fact that I can't shop in normal stores anymore. By "normal" I mean "Stores that only go up to a size 16/36". I don't like it, but I've accepted it. And now is my time to change things around. Eat better, work out more, etc etc. Once I'm on campus, I might just buy a pass for the PAC, seeing as its right there and all. My goal is to be in good enough shape by next summer. I figure a year is a fair bit of time to get the ball rolling, at least in a good direction. I've been watching the show "X-Weighted" about people who set these goals for themselves to lose 60 pounds in 6 months. Which seems ridiculous... however, of the shows I've watched, they get within 5-10 pounds of that weight. Which doesn't depress me, like it used to. Rather, it gives me hope that if I can just do a total lifestyle change like that, I can get rid of this second person I've got tagging around on my tummy.
Lately, I've been really wishing for a guitar. I really want to learn how to play it correctly this time, not just playing around with e chords. Tyler's brother said I could borrow his, but I don't want one to borrow. I want one for keeps. One that I can play whenever I want, and not play whenever I want, and not have to worry about giving it back in the middle of some radical creativity explosion. I could always get the guitar back from my parents, but it was a pos. Seriously. That, and my brother and/or brothers friends broke it. They broke a few strings and one of the tuning knobs. Great jeorb guys!
Okay, that's enough ranting for now. When I can think of more to say, I'll say it.
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